Thoughts on Grief

The following is a journal entry I wrote a week or so ago...

There is this quote I once heard, "Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming."

I have been thinking about this quote a lot in Thailand as I sit on the beach and stare out into the ocean. I find myself getting up early (I know, who am I?) to get a quiet morning run in before the rest of the world wakes up. I love it. And no matter which way I run, I ALWAYS end up at the beach.

For as long as I can remember, the ocean has always been overwhelming to me. It's beautiful but it's SO vast that it overwhelms me if I think about it for a long time. So I think I agree that grief is like an ocean. It's true that it's deep, dark and big. And that sometimes it's calm and controlled and other times it's overwhelming and all over the place. And it certainly comes and goes like the tide rolls in and out. In thinking about my own grief, I'm realizing that grieving is okay. And that it comes in all kinds of forms and none of them are "wrong". Grief is when another person in your ever-changing group of friends tells you they're moving away. Grief is when a friend tells you they have cancer. Or when a friend loses a child. Grief is when I miss my family so much and being away from them is so hard. Grief is tears over a Skype call. Or while sitting on the couch in the middle of the afternoon talking with a friend. Grief is dealing with the hard issues that arise in daily life here in East Asia. Things that break your heart and things you don't understand. Grief is sometimes the unexpected tears while I'm praying. Or listening to a beautiful song. I'm learning that grieving doesn't mean that I don't trust the Lord. That I don't believe that He is good and that He is in control and that He loves me. It means I'm choosing not to just throw a bandaid on my wound and mindlessly keep moving because I have to trust in His plan. It means I'm choosing to stop, feel the sadness and the pain, cry the tears and be okay with feeling this way. And to be okay with when its time for the tide to roll in and out.